How Do You Find Closure?

What is closure and how do you find it? I’ve heard this question many times. I’ve adopted Tuesday to your requests, questions and comments like the one about how to have healthy sex after living through trauma. It’s Tues, so I thought I’d combine a few similar questions I’ve been asked.

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photo by Koury Angelo

Questions:

  1. How did you find closure?
  2. Is closure possible?
  3. How are you so happy after what you’ve been through?
  4. How did you move on?

Answer:

Those questions are very similar and all have the same answer so I combined them all today.

Ah, closure…  Does that give you a headache?  Make you think of all the things you’d like to have closure from?  Do you need a fainting couch?

Most of the times closure is associated with rage and hurt which usually rolls into one anger ball.  When you’re hurt, you are most likely angry about whatever happend as well.  So, you’re angry, you’re hurt and you have rage pent up inside. You want closure.

Moving Beyond Anger

The most important thing I did to get closure in my life was to accept the fact that I was angry.   Yep, I was seriously ticked off at the wrong that was done to me.

Then after awhile the anger became all about me and nothing to do with whomever had harmed me.  They couldn’t feel my anger.  They really don’t care either.  I realized that the anger I had was disrupting my own life, not theirs.

If you’re on my site you’ve probably seen my videos and see that I don’t exude rage. I’m one of those people who wake up happy.  I’m giddy most of the time and I really do not enjoy being angry like some people do. (It can be an addiction  you know!)  Plus, being an angry ball of grump is not very attractive and after awhile no one wants to hear the same ole pity party.

So I’m going to say that word that a lot of people asking about closure don’t like to hear – FORGIVENESS.

There, I said it.  But let me be clear that forgiveness has nothing to do with condoning bad behavior.  Obviously if there was a great wrong done to you, it was not good behavior.  On the subject of say, my bio dad, by forgiving him I am not saying I’m inviting him over for Thanksgiving and giving him babysitting duty!  Hell no.  You can’t be a nimrod.  If someone is violent or prone to crazy behavior, it’s a good idea to remove them from your life or remove yourself from theirs.

When I say forgiveness I’m actually talking about forgiving yourself and deciding to no longer carry the anger and rage.  Let’s face it, it’s heavy anyway.  I’d much rather go about my day with a silly grin on my face than a grimace.  Plus, there are so many crazy people in this world, and I mean SO MANY, that if you let every one of them ruin your day you’re going to be awfully busy coming up with new grimaces.

How Do You Do It?

I know you’re going to say yeah yeah yeah, that all sounds like a fairy tale story.  So, how do you actually move beyond anger?  I understand. You want steps.

The best steps I took and I’ve seen others take are to remove the sword.  What sword?  Sword?  I don’t have a sword?  Sure you do.  If you’re asking me about closure, you have a sword. I call it the sword of trauma.  Being wronged, hurt, violated, victimized, stolen from, lied to, manipulated, assaulted etc is like being pierced with a sword.  You can live with the sword protruding out of you for the rest of your life too.  It’s called denial.  Or you can remove it, heal from the wound and use your life experiences for good instead of bad.

Grin Instead of Grimace

This process requires you to stop the negative chatter in your head though!  I will warn you that if you do this there will come a time when you will stop telling the story you’re telling.  There will be no need to repeatedly attract trauma into your life when you heal from the main one.  Oh, did you know that you do that?  Yep.  If you haven’t addressed that core trauma, you invite and attract the same thing over and over again until you’ve addressed it.  Until you have – Closure.   Sometimes people become addicted to the story though and due to the attention they get from telling their story and their woes, they are not interested in moving forward because they can’t see what their life would be like if they didn’t have the soapbox of their troubles to stand on.  Look up at the picture at the top of this post.  Those people make me want a fainting couch.

This answer is for those who are ready to move on and want to really have what you asked about – Closure.

 How Do You Find Closure?

Here are the steps:

  • See that the wrong done aka trauma is like being pierced with a sword
  • You have to see the sword and not be in denial about it (what? me angry? me hurt? Me addicted to telling my story?)
  • You have to remove the sword
  • You need to heal the wound that it left behind
  • You pick up the sword and relabel it (you are not the definition of what happened to you!)
  • Use your sword with love instead of vengeance

I’ve written quite a bit about this sword.  I even wrotea workbook about it. <—-

Once you remove the sword and start using different language in your head instead of spewing anger and resentment at others – and yourself – you have what is called – CLOSURE!

 

By the way SWORD is WORD with an S for WORDS.  The healing portion is all about what WORDS you’re saying to yourself in your head about yourself and others.  There’s another article called How To Get Over Yourself and Move Forward.

For those still in the tight knot of anger it is sometimes difficult to see that you can be grinning. I know. I’ve been there.  Here’s a squishy hug for you.  I understand.  And I applaud you for seeking closure and for moving forward in your life.  By healing and moving on, you make a better citizen and that means a better Community and there can be no Community without Unity and there is no Unity without U so be healed!  Get closure.  Grin instead of grimace.  You’re pretty.

Here are some of your other Questions, Requests and Comments.

Check them out and send me some more by commenting on here or Facebook message me or Tweet me!

Hope that helps.

 

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  • Leonardsilsil

    It’s not the anger that bothers me so much any more.  It’s the hurt over what happenned, accepting it was real, and learning to move forward that really bothers me now.  It’s just hard to accept that I don’t have to live in fear any more and I don’t have to identify myself as a victim any more.

    Doug Silverman

  • Gwen Duckworth

    Your site has been very helpful in my healing process. You speak truth. Thanks and don’t stop

  • http://www.angelashelton.com/ Angela Shelton

    Hey, thanks! Damn those little typos. There were even little mistakes in the 10th edition of Lord of the Rings. They somehow get past us, thanks for pointing it out. Fixed!

  • Mary Dietrich

    Your first paragraph under Moving Beyond Anger has the word addition in paranthesis, I believe you meant to write addiCtion.

  • http://angelashelton.com/ Angela Shelton

    WOW, what a question. Staying safe is the number one thing, especially if his sex offense was with children. Hmmm, I might talk to a therapist about that one. That’s touchy territory. I totally understand wanting a relationship though and I also understand cutting people out of her life if they are violent or abusive. I don’t know details about your case so I can’t give a fully educated opinion, but I’d talk to a child therapist about it. I’m just a writer, not a therapist. Good question!!

  • http://angelashelton.com/ Angela Shelton

    I didn’t even know who that was! But based on your tumblr I just visited, you know models and fashion. I was once in that industry, actually for a huge chunk of my life. I’m happily out and eating. Thanks for reading. ;P

  • http://applecranberry.tumblr.com Andrew

    I think Snejana Onopka would say, “Look at the bright side. At least you’re beautiful. And that can’t possibly suck.” <3 That's probably Snejana on a really good day though. :-)

  • http://ladyjztalkzone.com Jacki M SeiWell

    You are so blessed and being able to express yourself really does help everyone. Thank you for all you have done for yourself that you have shared with us.

  • Jen V

    How would you go about telling a kid about their father who is a registered sex offender? My daughters dad gets out next year around this time. I want her to have a relationship with him, but not be scared of him at all. I just want her to be safe. Since I didnt have that growing up. I thought what my dad did was normal til i was almost a teen, then learned it wasnt. How can i prepare her?