High on Arrival – Mackenzie Phillips

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/32999699#33002540

Mackenzie Phillips has come forward, this time not high on arrival.  She is poised, sober, articulate and a beautiful voice for victims who cannot speak for themselves.   Thank you Mackenzie!

But who gets blamed and attacked for opening the messy Pandora’s box of incest, rape and sexual abuse?  Mackenzie – not the father or the enabling family.  This reminds me of when I first began going on TV talking about this issue.  I literally had a TV producer tell me that they needed me to cry during a certain section and to talk about how I tried to kill myself.  “But I didn’t try to kill myself.  I thought about it, but I never actually tried it,” I said.  “Oh, that doesn’t matter, just cry and talk about it anyway so we’ll believe it.  You’re too together for us to believe your story is true otherwise.”   You’re too “together” for us to believe your story?  Sadly, she was not the first producer or journalist to say that to me.  And here comes Mackenzie, strong and confident and speaking out.  I loved it.  I cheered. Then she got attacked, disbelieved and ridiculed whereas if she had sat there, still an addict, in a barrel of tears pleading for love and acceptance, she may have gotten more sympathy from the uneducated.  And by uneducated I mean those who still either cannot understand or can’t believe that child sexual abuse is an epidemic.  It’s not a matter of what you believe or can understand – a fact is a fact and child sexual abuse is an epidemic.   In the media, you may hear all kinds of spin on that fact but you must take into consideration who runs the show, literally.

Why do people victim blame?  Perhaps because it is so hard for people to wrap their heads around  the fact that “daddy” would rape his children.  We are taught in church that the father is the almighty.  We are taught at home that daddy is the almighty.  To turn around and point your finger at an abusive father is also pointing your finger at the patriarchy and the church.  But we must point our fingers if we are going to break the cycle of child sexual abuse. It is a beast that is eating at the heart of this country and the world.  Yet, the victim is blamed for coming forward.

In Mackenzie’s case she was raped by her dad and says that after years of the abuse, it turned into a relationship.  That leaves her wide open for ridicule.  I wish I could open the file folders of my mind to reveal the stories I’ve heard after speaking to over 30,000 survivors of sexual abuse.  Mackenzie’s story is a universal one.  I’ve heard it before.  I’ve heard the stories of the child being groomed into abuse and their mind being warped with the duality of their almighty father and their rapist.  I venture to say that Mackenzie’s abuse started a lot sooner than 18, just an educated guess.  It may be hard for many to hear her story but when you’ve heard thousands, you begin to see patterns.

What do you do when you orgasm from the rape?  What do you do when your father goes down on you and you have an orgasm?  What do you do when your father treats you like his lover, forces you into sex and then lives with you as if you are his mistress?  What do you do when your mother knows about it and treats you like the woman who stole her man instead of the girl who was attacked?  What do you do if there are pictures and video tapes created of you? How do you go to school, have friends, get married or walk in the mall when you live with the heavy secrets behind your closed doors? What do you do if your father is very rich and powerful and no one believes you?  What do you do if you are drugged and there are more than one perpetrator and you don’t even remember?  What do you do if your father starts to sell you and your mother accepts the payments?  What do you do when you’re told that you wanted it if you had an orgasm?  What do you do if your preacher comes to the house and tells you that you are the one who is tainted?  What do you do when you get pregnant by your own father?  I’ve heard all of these stories many times over and most of the times the victims turn to self mutilation, drugs, alcohol, suicide and a whole list of other addictions to numb the great pain of betrayal and abuse.  You don’t just become a heroine addict out of nowhere. For Mackenzie to go from partying with her dad to being raped by him and saying she saw nothing, heard nothing and felt nothing is no surprise to me.  She did what most do, and went into shock.  There’s always a story behind the addiction.

The snowball affect of child sexual abuse and silence is massive.  The silence is deafening.

The fact that Mackenzie repeatedly said that her father was not a bad man and simply a sick man made me want to meet her.  I, along with many others, have felt the same.  Talk about duality, when you fluctuate from loving your father and wanting to protect him to wanting to escape his clutches. It can make you feel like you’re the crazy one.  At 18 she says she was molested although she was actually raped. I can’t stand that word molested.  Molested actually means “to make annoying sexual advances towards.”  In the thousands of stories I’ve heard, I’ve never heard a story about annoying sexual advances.  If we go with the definition of molested, I was molested on the train, subway, the plane and the walk through the park.  I hear stories of rape and torture.  What if we started calling it by what it is in the media – child rapist and torture.

The fact that Mackenzie even used the word “consensual” made me think of a young girl I know who is raped daily by her dad.  She has tried to escape for years but is lead back to him by mind control and a sense that he is her lover as well as her dad.  It is messed up and a huge pill of truth to swallow.  Victims thinking they need to have accountability for their actions like Mackenzie said sounds to me like guilt.  Many victims feel terribly guilty having gone through torture and abuse and either going back to the abusive home, being orgasmic or protecting the perp.  It messes with your mind when your abuser raises you to be a sex slave.  I’ve heard stories about the abuse starting at infancy and the children literally being trained for sex.  Talk about messing with your mind!  Watch the documentary Just Melvin, Just Evil if you can get your hands on it and if you do, send me a copy!

Those who tell the truth are the ones who get the stones and mud thrown at them.  Very few want to hear the truth, much like the stepmother.

The mother not believing the child is so typical.  If the mother or stepmother or whoever the female guardian is believes the child and looks out for them, stands up for them and fights for them – then they have to take responsibility for their own actions.  Very few can do that.  The survivors I’ve met who had mothers who believed them and stood up for them, had much easier roads towards healing.  The ultimate betrayal is when the mother sides with the abuser and does not protect the child.  When women don’t believe their children I venture to say those women are a part of the abuse, know about the abuse, even help the abuse occur or have a story of their own that in order to keep it quiet, they are willing to sacrifice their own child.  I blame that mother, not the victim.

For the truth to be revealed, your entire reality will have to be reworked and each person will have to face their own dark past.  For child sexual abuse to be dealt with, we as a whole are going to have to wake up.  When you are in a deep Fox hole of denial, waking up can be very hard to do.

Good for you Mackenzie for being open, honest and strong.  You are a voice for survivors.  Keep talking!   Many are listening.