I'm Angela Shelton ~ Rebel with a Cause

This is my personal site where I share what I’ve learned as a rule-breaking entrepreneur to inspire and empower you to think outside the box and be the best you can be too.

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When Do We Meet Our Husbands?

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by Angela Shelton on February 2, 2009 · Comments

in Love & Relationships, Recommended, Women

I have been to many social outings lately from the Sundance Film Festival to parties in Vegas and I keep hearing women talking about wanting to meet their husbands. Really? Are you sure? Why not write a book or take up guitar lessons or go dance by yourself?

“Maybe I’ll meet my husband here. I’m so sick of not having a car,” I heard one woman say. Does that mean you’re going to meet a guy and he’s going to buy you a car and marry you? What is this obsession with marriage? Are you nuts?

Don’t get me wrong, I love men and I love my ex-boyfriends and ex-husbands too. I agree with Charlotte Kasl, who wrote Women, Sex, and Addiction, when she says that your sex life is astronomically better in a committed relationship. (You can hear her talking to me about it on the 3rd episode of Stirring Up Trouble) But I think it is tremendously sad that so many women anchor all of their happiness onto whether they get a guy or not. Why don’t you make your own money, start your own business and buy your own car? I think it’s rude to place all of that responsibility on men. Why not nurture a strong relationship – an out-of-this-world sex life? Why not be a whole person and have a relationship with another whole person? That’s a hell of a good time!

I have met many women who only wanted to marry for money. That was their goal and they stood by it and they got it. Now those women are in the jailhouse of an unhappy sexless marriage – but they drive fancy cars and have very heavy diamond rings and they are miserable. What’s more important, your freedom or a diamond ring? Do you know how many people died to get you that diamond?

I’m guilty of the desire for a man too. I’m speaking from experience. I used to have sex just to get a hug. I lost my virginity when I was 14 on Father’s Day – barf – just to be accepted. I got married because I was asked and I had the self-esteem of a peanut. My father taught me that I was nothing without the acceptance of a guy. Well, ladies, many of us got the wrong textbook during our early life lessons, and many of us were raised by wolves. You have to re-parent yourself and grow up.

Women have got to step up and take responsibility for their own lives. Getting a guy doesn’t make you whole. If you’re not complete and happy you will drive that poor man crazy with your neediness. The Catch 22 in that is that then you become a whole person who doesn’t need a guy just to have one, it makes you much more desirable. I also know this from experience. I’m single and I love it. I prefer being by myself and I certainly do not need or want a guy just to have one. That’s a big waste of time, money and energy. The funny thing is that getting to that place revealed an entirely new species of men to me who are also whole humans and not a gaping hole of lack and need for a woman. I would not have even seen any of these good guys back in the day when I was unconscious and buying into the lie that you are nothing without a guy. Now I see them. There are many good men out there – so many! Thank you to all of you good men! Sorry that so many of us women are so nuts. If you only knew the story of why…

Now it’s more like are these men worthy of me instead of am I worthy of them. To quote Angela Shelton in Virgina, “I now know I am great and I love myself and I’d rather be by myself for the rest of my life than put up with bull ever again.”

Read this book – Women, Sex, and Addiction: A Search for Love and Power

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Holly Ord

First of all, Julie, I hope you read this because there IS a children's book out there that is about a princess who loves herself, her career (as a flight attendant), her friends (who she threw parties for when they got engaged and married to their princes), and she loved her kingdom... all by herself. The ending shows the princess, Princess Bubble, who comes out of the story with so much love for herself that she didn't need or want a man at all. I think it is a much more appropriate children's fairytale and not only that, but it should definitely be read by most adult women. So many of us forget that a viable, perfectly okay and sometimes preferable situation is to not have a man (or a woman) in our lives romantically at all.

I wrote a book review of the book, it's called Princess Bubble. You can read the review here : http://menstrualpoetry.com/not-all-princesses-n...

Moving on...

I think the stigma that women run into the most is that frankly, so many of us are afraid to be alone. Afraid to be the "crazy cat lady" on the block or be the old woman making herself lunch and sitting quietly at her kitchen table staring down into her meal and ultimately, dying... alone. But what we don't realize is as weird as it may sound, that if we do marry, women typically live longer than men anyway and eventually, we are alone, without relationship. The trick is to be in love with yourself. To look in the mirror and love what you see, to love yourself as a person because then, you don't settle for the guys you know aren't going anywhere or who you can't enjoy time with. You won't see those guys anymore, like you said in this post. Ultimately, we need to be good with ourselves because after all the shit, we're all we have so you better do your best with what you've got.

Julie Federico

Angela
The 1/2 woman whole woman story was great. Can you write a children's book on this? So many of the stories I read my daughters are the girls gets the prince and they live happlily ever after. I use to change the endings, but now my 6 year old can read, so this is no good any more. My favorite book is the Paper Bag Princess by Robert Munch. She leaves the Prince for a delightful life. Amen.
Thanks for your words of wisdom.