My friend Wendy Murphy who wrote And Justice for Some: An Expose of the Lawyers and Judges Who Let Dangerous Criminals Go Free also writes for the 
January 2, 2010. You’ll see us both this coming weekend in Albany for the Battered Mother’s Custody Conference. I love Wendy Murphy.
A NEW DECADE’S RESOLUTION FOR WOMEN
Every thirty or forty years or so, women realize they’re getting a raw deal. From voting rights to equal pay, the “movement” comes and goes. But it’s been a while since the last wave – and in light of a recent study that found women are less happy now than they were decades ago, it’s high time for a tsunami.
It’s not that women are openly enslaved in misery. It’s more insidious than that. We’re stuck in the mire of a society that manipulates us through the cultural construct of what a “good” woman should look like, and how she should live her life.
One slick magazine cover after the next shows a perfectly coiffed wrinkle-free beauty, grinning ear to ear with Hollywood sized snow-white teeth, draped in the latest “must have” outfit. Alongside the cover girls are reams of glossy home decorating magazines that feature gorgeous living rooms and kitchens filled with the trendiest appliances.
There aren’t any pictures of women in their pajamas with no make-up on and crooked teeth – sitting at a scratched up kitchen table surrounded by stacks of stuff. Know why? Because if real life were the standard bearer, women might actually be fairly content. Instead, we’re running around buying things we don’t need in order to make our lives all matchy-matchy with the magazines.
The start of a new decade is a perfect time for a new movement. Let it begin with women’s collective resolve to ignore all rules of fashion.
It’ll be easier for people like me who have never managed to stay current. By the time I noticed that floor length summer dresses were “in”, they were out again.
Men long ago figured out how not to waste their time and money on fashion. They wear suits. Period. Variety comes in black and gray – maybe a jazzy tie once in a while. Brilliant.
Women need to get with the guys’ program. We have more important things to do than shop for shoes with the “right” heel thickness or remember that gray is the new black, blah blah.
Freed from the burdens of being stylish, women will necessarily become happier simply because we’ll have more time for ourselves. I’m not suggesting we lounge on the sofa all day. I’m talking about substituting the things we truly care about, like taking a drawing class, volunteering at a homeless shelter, spending more time with our family and friends, etc., for the meaningless and expensive tasks of shopping for things we think will make us happy.
Women are subjected to the unfair judgments of others no matter what our choices, and because there never seems to be a “right” way to be, we keep chasing our tails and spinning our wheels into exhaustion and unhappiness.
It’s time to get off the high-speed merry-go-round and start serving ourselves a different type of what I call “cultural self-esteem”. Example: when you come to my home for a visit, don’t look around at the piles and compare what you see to the cover of a magazine while secretly pitying me for not having time to straighten up. Say out loud, instead: “I love your piles of stuff”!
This doesn’t mean women who love to decorate shouldn’t feel good about what they do. Feeling good is exactly the point. It just isn’t real happiness if the reason you hang new drapes is because you’re worried the neighbors might call you a fashion slouch.
While we’re working on liberating ourselves from the opinions of others, it’s equally important to be mindful of the judgments we make. Women are too tough on each other. From nasty looks on the sidelines of a soccer game when one of us forgets about “snack shack” duty, to refusing to invite a certain woman to a neighborhood party because she’s a bit “odd”, we are our own worst enemies.
Women haven’t supported each other for a long time – maybe because we’re more politically divided than ever before, with roughly equal amounts of us voting for Republicans and Democrats.
I think we can transcend party lines and work together to improve all women’s happiness.
Conservative or liberal, women generally agree that we are overwhelmed. Entry into the workforce brought us more economic power, but less freedom in some ways because we took on more responsibilities. After decades of increasing unhappiness, somethings’s got to give, but no woman wants to compromise on her family – and few will give up meaningful work.
What we can do is release some of the pressure by encouraging one another to spend precious time and money on things that make us truly happy – rather than in ways that please the magazine crowd.
Thanks Wendy! This article made me think about one of my favorite books ever – America’s Women: 400 Years of Dolls, Drudges, Helpmates, and Heroines
